(This post was originally posted by Scott Willison on the Coronation Street Blog in February 2018, reposted to this blog with permission.)
Sinead is like a good racer - or maybe a BMX. How dare you Brian! I think you'll find Maria is the Weatherfield bike. She worked hard to get that trophy (admittedly she was lying down most of the time) and I won't have you take it away from her. Sinead's more of a unicycle; largely useless, really annoying and only ridden by clowns.
Tintin's turned to the Dark Side. I suppose he's got to find some way to fill time now the movies have dried up, but I wouldn't have thought the hero of Destination Moon would spend his Monday nights laughing at the working classes. Someone get Captain Haddock to take him home before he sticks the Castafiore Emerald in the jukebox.
Even the announcers are sick of Weatherfield General. "You can join Carla in hospital in half an hour" sighed the continuity man at the end of Wednesday's first episode. His "hey, at least you can turn it off" was implied but unvoiced. I'm starting to wonder if the crisis in the NHS is entirely down to the residents of Coronation Street cycling in and out of the wards. It'd be cheaper for Jeremy Hunt to carpet bomb Weatherfield and wipe it off the map than keep funding their endless rounds of operations and ambulances.
Zeedan has the constitution of an ox. When I was sixteen, at a party, I was dared to drink a pint of whisky in one go. I did it because as I say, I was sixteen. Four hours later I regained consciousness in a bathtub with my shirt missing and the percussion section of the London Philharmonic beginning an epic rehearsal inside my skull that would last for the next two days. Zeedan - who has been teetotal his whole life - knocked back a whole bottle of single malt, maybe two, and woke up next morning with a bit of a head. One round of toast later and he was well enough to cause snarling havoc with the in-laws. In reality he'd have spent most of that day crouched over the porcelain praying for death.
They're just putting the trailers in the show now. "Guess what!" said Liz to Toyah. "They've asked me back at the Medical Centre." She later added, "apparently they've got a new doctor... word is, he's quite hot." Then she turned to the camera and said "There'll be all sorts of hilarious hi-jinks, plus a shocking secret is revealed! Monday at seven thirty."
@merseytart would willingly put up with a little bit of abject humiliation if it meant he got to snog Henry. He may have self-esteem issues.
Tvor @tvordlj on Twitter