Tuesday, 5 March 2013

Fat Brenda's Cream Horn

(This post was originally posted by Fat Brenda on the Coronation Street Blog in February 2013, reposted with permission.)

Hetty flamin’ Wainthrop! Columbo! That fella in 'Lewis' who was in 'Morse' as his sidekick Lewis – I can’t remember what his name is in 'Lewis'… I think it might be Lewis. Anyhow, where was I? Oh aye. Telly detectives. The point I was gonna make before I confused meself by trying to remember what that fella from 'Lewis' was called in 'Lewis' who played Lewis in 'Morse' was that Gail is like one of them telly detectives. Except she in’t really like one of them telly detectives so that was why it would’ve been funny – cos you’d have gone, “Oooh Brenda, she’s nowt like them telly detectives is Gail! She’s just someone who compared handwriting in a bistro bookings diary and put two and two together and realised that Kylie gave Lewis (not Lewis the telly detective from the telly show 'Lewis') her into-net banking details.
What's it called now..?
Well that was a bad start wan’t it?
I’ll have another go.
Hello loveys!
Hands up who like Stella’s mam!
You there, at the back, have you got yer hand up?
No, he didn't, he was just picking a bit of pasty out of his hair.
Well loveys, opinion's divided on’t cobbles about her. If you ask Rita, she’ll tell you that Gloria is a right witch. If you ask Audrey, she’ll tell you that Gloria is horrible. If you ask Ken, he’ll tell you that Gloria is unable to analyse how others perceive her and lacks self-awareness. Indeed - he’d continue – the closest thing someone like Gloria comes to owt even remotely resembling an existential crisis is not being first in’t queue at a Selfridge’s sale. But then that’s Ken in’t it loveys, why use two words when you can regurgitate a dictionary?
Since Weatherfield’s Blockbusters shop has shut I’ve been making a small fortune renting out the DVD of Lewis admitting that he din’t actually love Gail! Eileen’s rented it out over thirty times and I’ve even done a director’s cut called 'Lewis’s Confession Re-flamin’-dux!' Its belting loveys – three hours long it is! It goes into the back-story of Lewis and what motivates him. The bonus features include interviews with cast and crew (Lewis, Kylie, Nick and Audrey) and there’s also a documentary about Gail’s love-life called 'Flamin’ Disaster!'

Here’s a poem what I tweetered on Valiumtine’s Day:

Roses are red,
Violent is Kirsty.
Carla’s no alcy,
She’s just flamin’ thirsty!

Talking of Valentine’s Day, Fiz got Tyrone the gift that keeps on giving: imprisonment! Oh Fiz, you should’ve got him a pair of socks or summat!
“He hates me, Brenda” she keeps saying.
I responded in the only way I know how – with respect and tact,
“I’m not flamin’ surprised he hates you! If you’d have just let him go it alone he’d have probably made it! He could’ve got straight off; boarded the ferry before anyone knew he’d gone! Instead what did he do? He faffed about for ages waiting for you to trilly ‘round packing up yer Bic Ladyshave and underwear! And now, he’s lost his daughter LOST HER!”
For some reason I din’t make her feel any better! I’ll not bother next time!
Anyhow, I’m off to meet Chesney, he dun’t half bore the TENA off me but he’s got a load of bargain meat that he assures me IS NOT horse! I don’t care anyway, it’s all dead in’t it loveys? A bit like Chesney’s relationship I suppose! I’m not being tight or owt but HOW BORING IS HE?
“Whine whine Fiz you don’t tell me owt it’s just Stape all over again! Oooh Katy is NOT having yer baby, Izzy, it’s just Stape all over again! Schmeichel has died an’ that, it’s just Stape all over again! Me girlfriend’s bezzie mates think I’m really dull, it’s just Stape all over again!”
Give it a flamin’ rest! Enjoy yer youth! Get out more! Grow yer hair a bit so you look a bit like that Mick Hucknall or maybe that ginger fella off 'Mask' starring Cher! Not that he looks like the fella off 'Mask' starring Cher! I’m not saying that - before the ginger brigade start bombarding me with hate mail like they did when I said Weatherfield was becoming a ginger ghetto! No loveys, I mean the actor what plays him in 'Mask' starring Cher! Eric Stoltz I think it is. He’s in that 'Puppy Fiction' starring Danny Zuko from 'Saturday Night Staying Alive Who’s Talking Too' with Kirsty Alley, Roseanne Barr - that's her from that sitcom. I can’t remember what it's called, 'Lewis' I think – and Bruce Willis as the voice of the baby. You know the one, it had him in it, the fella from 'Snakes on’t Plane'…

Oh I don’t flamin’ know!
He could look like him - THE ACTOR!

Tweeter yer complaints here! ME TWEETER ADDRESS!!!

Honestly, you lot, you'd have me talking on here all flamin' day!

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