It's mah faktry,
Frank can die if he wants to.
Die if he wants to.
Die if he wants to.
You'd kill him too,
If he'd done it to you!
Who killed Frank?
It looks like an easy question loveys but it’s not!
Let’s look at the flamin’ evidence.
Peter, Carla, Michelle, Kevin, Sally and Anne! Oooh, but let’s not stop there!
What about Tracy? She’s got form! She dated Frank and she’s Peter’s (sort of) sister. Maybe she's one of them cereal killers like them lasses on't Special K two week challenge!
What about Leanne, Stella, or even Karl? Frank covered up the car accident din’t he?
What about Maria? What about Kirk? Maybe Kirky snapped, Frank did that to his sister and now he’s gonna sack him!
What about Fay(e), she’s killed a load of slimy things so Frank would be a doddle!
What about Max, Amy and Simon? Maybe they’ve been through so much in their little lives that they’ve decided to recreate ‘Children of the Corn’ with their own murderous gang, ‘Kiddies of the Cobbles’!
What about Eccles? He could have done it! I don’t trust that dog after it covered up for Ken’s infidelities with Martha!
We’re all flamin’ suspects! I’m not even sure if I did it or not! Maybe I did… I’m sure I’d remember though… but then I am on HRT… and it's making me memory...
What was I on about..?
Oh aye, Frank!
He’s dead! Good riddance I say!
I’m looking forward to Weatherfield police botching yet another investigation! They’re rubbish! If I paid council tax I’d be up in flamin’ arms!
They’ve released Tracy, imprisoned Fiz, Gail and Deirdre and let Frank off!
Bring back DC Hooch, even he’s better than them lot!
Thank Cliff Peter’s back on’t bottle, he’s much more fun when he’s drunk in’t he loveys? Hugging Norris and Dennis, livening up the ‘early birds OAP special discount hour’ at the Bistro. I like a drunk, they’re always generous and you can confide in ‘em cos they forget everything you’ve flamin’ told ‘em! Also, when you suffer from mild incontinence, like what I do, it’s nice to be with someone else who wets ‘emself more than you!
Carla gave a very moving speech when she decided to sell…
“We’ve had some good memories...”
Which memories would they be?
Was it the dead Polish worker? Or maybe it was Jed Stone lay in a basket half dead? Or was it when Tony Gordon held Carla, Hayley and Maria hostage and then burned it to the ground?
Aww, was that an affectionate look from Fiz? I think it was! Lovely memories... Bless her, remembering the time she had to exhume Colin Fishwick’s body from a hole in’t factory floor and dispose of it with her psychotic murdering ex husband… Happy days…
“We’ve had some good memories…”
Honestly lovey, you haven’t! You've developed a drink problem, lost a husband, dated his brother, lost him, been shot at by another man you married, been raped by someone you were engaged to, been on the brink of bankruptcy twice monthly and dated a bin man whose mind you messed with so much he looked at Janice as a better option!
While we're on the subject of Eileen (which we're not!)! Could that woman sink any lower?
“I really care about Leslie, Jay-Son! I just cavort with her husband and take him to the pub with me which actually makes a mockery of the poor mare!”
If a packet of Dunhill falls down in a pub and there’s no one there to hear it does it make a sound?
If Leslie is too ill to know or recognise her husband and ‘carer’ are canoodling in the kitchen is it infidelity?
The answer to both them questions is YES!
Remember loveys, life happens in that brief moment of existence before we return from whence we came - oblivion and emptiness… So fill it with happiness, gin and plenty of ciggies. Belting!
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