Thursday, 18 April 2013

Fat Brenda's Cream Horn

(This post was originally posted by Fat Brenda on the Coronation Street Blog in April 2013, reposted with permission.)

"He’s already been out one day and he won’t even do me weekly big shop! It’s like he’s afraid of the world!” said Fiz.
“I know, why don’t we get Anna to mind the baby he missed EVERY day and wasn’t sure he’d ever see again! It's just what he needs the day after he gets out of prison!” shouted Tommy excitedly!
What is wrong with folk?! Give the poor lad a break! He’s not been out of the nick two minutes and everyone’s papping on about how he’s not acting himself! I wonder flamin’ why!
Julie’s recovered well from her injury hasn’t she loveys? Not a trace. I love the way Eileen was only wanting to apologise when she thought she might miss out on a party! She’s selfish that one! She'd do owt for a free drink and a vol au vent!
Mind you, Sally managed to worm her way in before she’d even apologised! What a witch!
"Can't we just learn to forgive and turn the page..? A new chapter..." Save it for yer trainspotting meetings, Roy love, she's a mare is Eileen! She eats all the biscuits at the cab office and never EVER puts into the confectionary fund! I HATE HER!
“What’s prison like, Ty?”
I reckon it’s a bit like being in a relationship with flamin’ Fiz!
And them kids, imagine going for tea at their house...
“This is Hope, her dad was a kidnapping murderer and this is Ruby, her mam used to beat me up before trying to frame me! Fish fingers and beans ok?"
I never knew Sylvia was a fan of that Bob Marley but there she was, listening to Stir It Up while heating the beans through for me all-day breakfast!
Stir It (the beans) Up!
She’s been seeing a lot of that Stan from’t one o clock club an’ all. He’s trouble that one! He’s the Mister Big of pensioners! There’s a rumour he once cheated at bingo and shouted HOUSE even though he din’t have all the flamin’ numbers! No remorse! I’d steer well clear if I was Sylvia!
Jason and Stella have split up an’ all! Well, what a flamin’ shock! I mean, I thought they looked really good together – I managed to type that without laughing!
Jason and Stella in happier times
To be honest, Stella looks better now she’s a bit fire-damaged cos it’s given her a splash of much needed colour. Karl’s hanging about like a bad smell from one of them dog-dirt bins on’t red rec! He’s got guilt written all over his handsome face that one! He puts me in mind of that John Stape, he always had a similar expression – the sort of face a cat has when it’s left summat nasty in yer flip-flop and you’ve yet to discover it!
Just like Karl: Full of... 
Still, Dev tells me Sunita is showing signs of coming out of her coma… so that’s good in’t it loveys! She can pay me friend Bernice that fiver she owes for her Avon!

Remember loveys, no matter how much stress yer going through in life, you'll never be as stressed as the stitches on one of Eva's bras! Flamin' hell, talk about all yer goods in't front window!

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