Wednesday, 3 April 2013

Fat Brenda's Fire Engine Horn

(This post was originally posted by Fat Brenda on the Coronation Street Blog in March 2013.)

Oh Toni, Toni! Oh no, Toni!
Loveys, it’s a sad day on’t cobbles cos we’ve lost one of our own. A hero. Sometimes I feel like folk are introduced into our lives only for them to be cruelly snatched away! As if the ONLY reason they’re there in’t first place is to die!
“You din’t even know her”, Paul keeps shouting to them what offer their commiserations. But we did know her Paul. We knew her! OH WE FLAMIN’ KNEW HER!
Oh Toni, you were a lass that drunk pints; that organised charity events! A lass that din’t get a dickie tummy or the runs when all the other firefellas did. You could choreograph doctors, builders, factory bosses, mechanics and Karl. Oh Toni Toni Toni, will I see you in heaven lovey? Are you climbing that ladder into the beyond as we speak; wearing yer breathing apparatus; rattling yer charity bucket? IT’S SO UNFAIR!
Seeing Stella banging on that window and screaming for help will be a vision that haunts for me for a long time to come, she’s that pale she were like an apparition. The ghost of the Rovers past; all beige and wan; wailing; screaming; with a vile stench (her Freshco bath pearls) wafting above the thick black smoke!
Stella climbed out of the bath...
I did see the fire earlier on in’t evening but there’s always thick black smoke in that part of the street due to Deirdre smoking in’t yard so I din’t think owt of it.
Oh loveys, did you see ‘em all getting their kit off? All pallid and gyrating! It was like Cocoon!

The Full flamin' Monty!
Rita was in bits, loveys. It reminded her of that harrowing night when the tram derailed and trapped Molly underneath them Heinz (product placement) tins and HP (product placement) beans. Poor Rita lay across the road in't Kabin, under a sea of bon bons and brick dust and the fire just brought it all back. Still, at least she din’t start that warbling again! Mind you, Dame Tommy Vera Lynn Duckworth did sing the 'White Cliffs of Dover' for us all when we held a candlelit vigil by the glowing embers of the pub. It wan’t meant to be candlelit but all them candles Gloria got when the power went out were still burning so it seemed rude not to use 'em!
Deadly and harrowing bon bons!
Apparently the firefella on the scene said that if Liz McDonald was still running the pub it’d have gone up much quicker due to the amount of man-made fibres she had in her underwear and negligee drawer. In fact, if you look closely at Liz McDonald she has a tattoo that warns folk about going too near her with a naked flame - just in case. A nightmare for a smoker!
The thing that I find most tragic about the whole thing is that someone woke Tracy up!
Poor Sunita is wired up in Weatherfield General so we don’t have to worry do we, loveys? We all know that whoever goes into that place comes out alive! Sophie – when she fell off that roof and then when she got hit by that car, Stella – when she got hit by that car, Graeme Proctor – when he got hit by that car… so basically when folk get hit by a car (except my poor Liam Connor – may Cliff rest his soul – mind you he never made it to the hospital did he) they’ve got a pretty good chance of surviving.
I’ll tell you who gets on my wick: Leanne! What a sour faced, self-righteous, moody mare she is! Looking down her nose at folk when she were the one that was a drug addled scarlet jezebel! She's heading for a slap that one! I wish she'd have popped into the Rovers for summat on Monday night! Mind you, she was too busy ogling all the fellas on't stage wan't she? Old habits die hard!
Anyhow, I’m going over to the Rovers to see if them gin bottles have cooled down so I can do a bit of good old fashioned Weatherfield looting!
I'm here an' all - on TWEETER!

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