The Street needs a new slapper

(This post was originally posted by Clinkers (David) on the Coronation Street Blog in January 2013.)

What the world needs now, is love sweet love sang the great Jackie DeShannon about 350 years ago. How wrong she was - certainly where Corrie is concerned. Scott's excellent blog about Leanne Battersby-Tilsley-Barlow-Quite Possibly Tilsley Again got me thinking. Where is the Street's tart without a heart? Where is the over made-up troll, anyone's for a vodka and yours for a tenner? Or maybe even a Tanner?

Leanne, with her voice like a flock of crows, is probably the best tart we've had hanging around the cobbles for many a decade. She's certainly the only one who ever made any money out of the world's oldest profession. Bet was all front and Elsie was just a series of old blouses topped off with her "I've been there kid" ironic smile.

What the Street could do with is a dose (and my nominee has probably had one or two of those . . .) of a good old-fashioned, nicotine-stained, hard-faced, Elizabeth Duke jewellery-wearing spitbag. Step forward Kelly Maguire from Shameless! The show is due to end it's decade-long run this year so how about Kelly moves across Manchester to Weatherfield. This woman's morals are so low they could limbo dance under a blade of grass. She does her shopping dressed in micro-knickers, enjoys a snifter or two of the Bolivian Marching Powder but also possesses a good head for business. I'm thinking Corner Shop perhaps? Or maybe Carla could run up a new 'slut chic' line? Although I can't see Hayley parading round in fishnets and a grubby fake-fur coat. Emily on the other hand . . .

Anyway ITV1, make us all proud and sign up this wondrous baggage. Maybe Kelly could even bring along her Bo Selecta-looking madam, Lilian? A nation waits.



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