Tall, Dark and Tedioius

(This post was originally posted by Scott Willison on the Coronation Street Blog in September 2013.)

The news that Mark Baylis (Rob Donovan) had been longlisted for Best Newcomer at the National Television Awards was met with befuddlement by many viewers.  But he's awful! they said.  His character is so dull! (edited: Personally, this editor likes him and he's coming to Halifax!!!)

First of all, it's the National Television Awards, not the Academy Awards.  In terms of prestige these are just above the British Association of Double Glazing Salesman's Annual Dinner Dance and Raffle.  Last year, Mrs Brown's Boys won Best Sitcom, and Best Factual went to Paul O'Grady: For the Love of Dogs.  There used to be a category for "Star Travel Documentary".  I don't think Julia Roberts is sat at home crossing her fingers for an invite.

Secondly, he has to be nominated because the producers need to make the casual viewers aware of the Street's newest "bad boy".  Look! they say. We have an attractive male character in his late 20s/early 30s with dark brown hair and a bit of a sneer.  That's what you want to see!  He sometimes takes his shirt off, too!

Problem is, viewers have been stung by this before.  Over the past few years a parade of dodgy, handsome rogues have marched their way through Underworld.  Half of them went out in a body bag, and the other half disappeared without anyone really caring.

This is all Mike Baldwin's fault, of course.  The original and best, Mike swaggered onto the Street in 1976, permatanned, hair oiled, denim jacket majestically open so that we could fully appreciate his raw sexual magnificence.  He strode onto the cobbles and sent the female residents swooning.  He was a Cockney, of course; his powerful charisma was so alien to Weatherfield it had to have come from somewhere exotic, like That London.

For twenty five years, Baldwin dominated the show's business dealings.  He had his fingers in more pies than Diggory Compton.  Baldwin's Casuals, that dour grey building that churned out some of the most miserable looking outfits you've ever seen.  The fall in popularity of Status Quo lead to him flogging the denim business and having a go at manufacturing.  He had a garage and a limo business.  Finally he decided to combine his two interests - saucy women and money - and set up Underworld, creating the kind of scratchy knickers men buy their wives on Valentine's Day which then get chucked in the back of the drawer after one use.

Baldwin loved the ladies; he was so much of an Alpha male the Greek Parliament petitioned to rename the first letter of their alphabet Mike.  Factory girls, barmaids, florists, random dolly birds in hot pants - they all passed through his bedroom, barely ruffling his satin sheets.  He famously carried on with Deirdre behind Ken's back, an affair that is fondly remembered as the last time the subject of Mrs Barlow's sex life didn't make people retch.

This caused a long-standing, deep seated loathing between Barlow and Baldwin that only UN Peacekeepers could pull apart.  Under normal circumstances, we should be on Ken's side: he's the dependable, nice guy, whose wife did the dirty on him.  In reality, it's a bit like that moment in Jurassic Park when you see a tethered goat by the fence.  "Aw, a lovely sweet goat!" is your first thought, but your second thought is, "I hope a T-Rex rips it to pieces."  And then a bloodied leg falls on the roof of the car and we're all happy.

They batted back and forth for years - Baldwin marrying Susan Barlow for seemingly no reason other than it would really annoy Ken, Barlow having an affair with Alma because it would really annoy Mike - until they found a sort of peace over son/grandson Adam and his Horrible Hair.  The two men united to bring up the Scots irritation, and when Mike began suffering from dementia, Ken was - well, if not exactly supportive, he didn't run down the street singing Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead either.

Johnny Briggs' advancing years meant they needed a new character to strut his way around the factory smelling of testosterone, and so the scriptwriters naturally turned to his gene pool for a replacement.  Enter Danny Baldwin, played by a game show host and dragging along an impressionist for a wife.  I can't help thinking that someone misread the instructions.

Bradley Walsh did his best as Danny, but he was never as confident with the "swindling elderly men out of their money" or the "diddling his son's daughter" storylines as he was at "being a lovable chirpy Cockernee, apples and pears, luvaduck".  After a series of shenanigans involving more duplicate wills than a minor public school Danny departed, and the factory fell into the hands of the Connors.

There were two Connor males: Paul (short, dark, brooding) and Liam (tall, dark, brooding).  They brought with them sex appeal and a dodgy background, perfect for the role of factory boss, as apparently "being good at business" isn't good enough.  After Paul died in a series of ridiculously contrived circumstances (let's just say "hooker in the boot" and leave it at that) Liam took up the leading role as factory stud.

Problem was, now Carla Connor was involved in the business, and that derailed the chemistry.  Having a man march around the sewing machines in a pair of tight pants, making the girls swoon with his sheer erotic power, is one thing; if he then kowtows to a woman, it sort of destroys the illusion.  It didn't help that Carla Connor was a force of unstoppable fabulousness, a woman whose hair alone could reduce grown men to tears.  Naturally she immediately seduced Liam with her amazingness, forcing him to leave the factory and then get run over.

The cause of death was marked down as "Tony Gordon", his replacement in the dark haired chiseled factory owner role.  Tony had bought a share of Underworld - though how much was never clear.  In fact, the fractions of Underworld have baffled Nobel Prize winning economists.  Never is it more obvious that Corrie is written by a bunch of arty farty writers rather than say, Theo Paphitis, than when characters have to talk business.  People just start barking percentages at one another and writing mysterious numbers down on bits of paper and none of it really makes any sense.

Tony owned half, or maybe a third, or maybe thirtenty percent, or something, but his sex appeal was undermined by two facts: (a) his rogue eyeball, making him look like an anaemic Mad-Eye Moody and (b) his fondness for murdering people who got in his way.  Much as ladies like a bad boy, an actual psychopath is a bit too much, unless you're one of those insane women who get engaged to men on Death Row.  His nuttiness drove Carla away, so she appointed a manager to look after the factory in her absence.

Enter Luke Strong.  Right from his name downwards, Luke was as Generic Cocky Businessman as it is possible to get.  I can't believe that name got through the Script Editor - what was wrong with Tom Masculine?  Roger Sexsymbol?  Butch McStud?  The porn star-monikered character strode into the factory and attempted to make some kind of impression on our screens, but he was outmanouvred and outclassed at almost every turn.  It didn't help that he was played by Vince from Queer as Folk, so his raw sex appeal was undermined by the memory of him mouthing along to The Pyramids of Mars.  Luke eventually left after out-thinking Rosie Webster, which is a moment of Machiavellian genius just above persuading Peter Barlow to have "one more drink".

 
He was replaced by another dark and brooding businessman, Frank Foster, whose sex appeal was rather more "specialist".  After he tried molesting Maria, it was difficult to believe the scriptwriters would continue to make him the roving Romeo of the Street; it just wasn't going to happen.  And if the casting director thought we could forget Luke was really Vince, we definitely weren't going to forget that Frank was the trick in Queer as Folk who gave heroin to Declan from Emmerdale then ran off when he overdosed.  Basically he was a bad 'un, as he proved when he subsequently raped Carla.  Eventually he was murdered by Gwen Taylor.  The saddest part of his death was the thought that if Gwen had done that to Keith Barron in 1982 we'd have been spared three series of Duty Free. 

Now Underworld was being run by two women, Carla and Michelle, which left the factory girls nowhere to direct their lustful urges.  It was either Sean, which would be a waste of everyone's time, or Kirk.  Let's just say Kirk is "an acquired taste" and leave it at that, shall we?  The writers scraped around their barrel of characters and came up with Rob, Carla's hitherto unmet brother who, despite being just out of prison, had a bafflingly fine instinct for business.  In fact he was so good you wondered why he bothered with the armed robbery in the first place, as he clearly should have been on The Apprentice.  Though he's extremely pretty, Rob is utterly charmless - the fact that he's hooked up with Tracy Barlow and yet we feel sorry for her should be a clue.  It's a flaw in Carla's otherwise impeccable sheen that she bothers paying him any attention at all.

I expect Rob will continue to strut around the Street for a while longer, wearing jeans that are one size too small and winking for no apparent reason.  Then he'll be leave, and the producers will have to find someone to replace him.  I'm going to go out on a limb and guess he'll be tall, dark and brooding.



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So how was it for you?

*note, I wrote this originally on www.corrieblog.tv last year after this episode aired in the UK.

Wow! I gotta say I'm impressed! I can be fairly cynical watching television and I am very good at nit picking and finding continuity fluff but if it makes me cry, and it did, it's a good, no...a great show. Of course there were bits last night that had me shaking my head but overall, it was a fitting end to the week's build up. Over hyped? Definitely, because that's tv and that's ratings. But in my opinion, all that bollocks about filming three endings put aside, it was mostly all worth it so I'm jumping in with my thoughts about last night's show as well.

The performance that really blew me away last night was that by Gray O'Brien. All week, Tony was glaring at Liam, uttering veiled and subtle threats and pointed remarks, I don't know why it didn't dawn on Liam eventually that Tony knew about him and Carla but it didn't. If you were having a go with someone's fiance, you'd be looking for signs that the partner had discovered it, and if you were on the verge of telling him, I'd think you would be even more aware. But, no. Anyway. That doesn't matter really. Tony's reaction when Liam was hit...

Even Tony looked shocked even though he did put on an act, being the first one to Liam's body and shouting "No! Liam!" etc. But look at his face! Triumphant, cold, yet really, you could also tell he was truly shocked and struck by what happened, especially when he saw Maria's raw grief minutes after it happened and discovered she was pregnant. A stab of guilt? A super-rush of adrenaline? Definitely. Emotion, certainly. You could tell his heart really was jumping out of his chest. "I can't believe he's dead, and I'm responsible! I killed someone!" (well, arranged for it, at least) In a way, for me at least, Tony actually showed a human side, just flashes of one, but it's there. It didn't last, though, and the normal mask-Tony took over. (How appropriate *were* those Tony masks, anyway? Consider...Tony usually is so controlled and he really does put on whatever exterior he thinks people want or need to see)

It was a bit reminiscent Richard Hillman, as well. Richard really did try to kill people but when he did do it, he, too, wasn't quite the stone cold killer in the immediate aftermath but recovered his composure quickly. I think it will take Tony a bit longer to lose his rag and come apart, but I do think it will happen.Tony's more of a true villain than Richard, really. Tony is far more demented than Richard, who's motivation was financial desperation. Tony is a controlling and possessive person. He's ruthless and unemotional. Does he love Carla, or is it the possession he loves. Once something is his, nobody is allowed to take it away. What he doesn't realize is, he never had her, not emotionally. She was always Liam's. Tony recovered his composure and the fact that he had Liam's wallet makes it pretty clear he had something to do with Liam's death.

The reactions of those that loved Liam were spot on, too. Carla sank to her knees in shock. I was waiting for either she or Michelle to wail "Not again!", both of them having lost spouses in virtually the same way. I would have thought Michelle would have been in worse shape than even Maria was, having lost her husband and other brother by car accident. But all three women were believable in their reactions. Maria fell completely apart, Michelle was teary eyed but strong, Carla put her mask back on and downed whiskey. Tom's reaction was a bit "it's all about me", squawking about how it was almost him rather than saying "it should have been me". In this case, "could have been" and "should have been" made that statement very different.

The rest of the lads, shocked, didn't even move at first, rooted to pavement in disbelief. Several of them turned away when Maria gasped the news about the baby. In fact, all three turned round almost in sync which was a bit weird looking. As men typically try not to show their emotions, yet they were all stunned. Kind of interesting to see it was Jason that was the one that called for the ambulance, not the older men like Lloyd or Dev. It's not the first time Jason's come through in a crisis. He was the one that found Toyah battered and raped and managed to get her home.

Maria's reaction was so totally "Maria". Crying and begging Liam not to go, putting his hand on her stomach so the baby might remember it's father. Maria is sentimental and emotional and doesn't hold anything back in sharp contrast to Carla, Liam's lover. Samia Smith really immersed herself in those scenes. She's given interviews and said how she was crying for real and you could tell. I thought she did a very good job. When it happened in the UK, I read one comment and agreed with it, that it did seem odd that Kirk wasn't with Maria at the hospital. He was right by her side the whole time at the scene of the accident and he's usually very protective.

And, just to add to that, the stunt people performing the hit and the production was fantastic. I know i certainly cringed when that body flew over the roof of the car, arms and limbs going every which way. Shooting it from above really showed you that they did that stunt for real, not just pretending to hit someone and them pretending and flinging themselves onto the ground. It happened too fast to tell for sure if it was a crash dummy but the arms and legs sure looked real and controlled to me, not quite as floppy as a dummy would have been.

Another really good touch, all week but in particular, last night was having everyone wearing theTony masks on the street just before the accident. It really did creep me out!

Along with all this tragedy, Coronation Street always mixes in comedy to balance out the show which catches you laughing through your tears.

The rowdy part of the hen night was underway at the pub, with the women salivating over Zorro the stripper. All except Carla, of course. She was going through the motions but very clearly dead inside after dumping Liam and only Leanne knew it.

Pam and Tyrone were involved in another scheme selling shirts and the funniest line of the night came from Pam "for most people, peeing in the wind is just a metaphor. For me, it's an awful memory" I don't think I want to know but it was totally unexpected and that sound you heard was a loud guffaw from me! Win for writer Simon Crowther!

David and Tina and Darryl and Amber were just filler though we now know that Tina is starting to suspect Gail and Joe's relationship.

Kevin and Sophie had some lovely father-daughter scenes and I also thought the scene where Kevin was alone, pouring himself a drink and singing along to "Ride' by the Cars from his younger days was very real.

Corrie really does have the touch, tragedy, comedy and quiet, lovely, little scenes, all in one night. It doesn't get much better than this.

This week and next week.... don't miss it!

How can i write this without spoiling it? All i can say is.... this is a great week for Corrie! This will be a spoiler if you don't watch until Sunday but as it happened last night, technically it isn't one.

Tony has found out about Liam and Carla's kiss back a few months and he is watching, and coldly plotting. He's angry... no, he's royally pissed. He's a control freak and Carla is as much of a possession as she is a partner and someone's taken her away from him and that will not do at all. Can't you hear him say that in his accent? That will *not* do at all! He will NOT lost Carla especially not to Liam. On Tuesday's Corrie (last night as i write this) he knows that Liam was at Carla's and saw her in her wedding dress. That was earlier in the evening but when he went home, Liam was still there. (having shagged Carla) It was a bit squicky too, they'd just come out of the bedroom, him buttoning up, her in a robe, clearly just had sex. It didn't look like they'd showered yet so ..um...you know. sweaty and all that.

Enter Tony. The bed is probably still messed up. He kisses Carla and says she tastes nice. I won't tell you what went through my mind but if he suspects they just had sex, which they did, he'll have figured she had very recently been kissing Liam. Only Tony figures the affair has been ongoing all along, which it hasn't. Last night's sub-duvet action was the first time since they did it after Liam's baby died. Tony watched Liam from the balcony, his face like stone.

So...what is he going to do? In the UK, the next five episodes, three remaining this week for us and the ones on Monday and Tuesday aired five nights in a row, leading up to the big finale. Tony sets up his revenge over the next three nights and next week it all kicks off.

The lads have their stag night and the girls have their hen night. That in itself is odd because neither one of them really has any friends. Carla sort of has Leanne as a friend and Michelle is a former sister-in-law but they were never that friendly. Maria is there because of Liam i guess, because there's no love lost between Maria and Carla, let's face it.

For the stags, Tony has his best man/target, Liam and half the men from the street decide they're up for a party even if they don't like the groom or even, have barely exchanged three sentences with him since he arrived. Dev? Dev bought a flat from Tony's Victoria Street investment. Steve?? All i can figure is that they're both business owners. Tom? Tom parties anywhere anytime and tagged along with Liam. I think Lloyd and Jason are there too. Jason, i can see, because he was Tony's lacky for awhile. Lloyd? Because why? He drove Tony home last night in the cab? *shrug* What's creepy is they're all wearing Tony masks. Really. Creepy. What they get up to, i will leave for you to experience.

Just don't miss it!