Fat Brenda's Cream Horn

(This post was originally posted by Fat Brenda on the Coronation Street Blog in October 2013, reposted with permission.)

Oh Stella, she’s so strong; so courageous; so caring; vulnerable; firm but fair; fights tooth and nail for her kids (except the one she abandoned for years - obviously); she’s a fighter; an inspiration…

What-flamin’-ever!

“Eee bah gum Ah’ve scrubbed that pub for all it’s worth and I still carn’t ererz the memory of Karl from me maarrnd!”

That’s cos you can’t scrub a conscience lovey! Going to Dev’s for advice? What a nerve! Who was it that told him not to take Sunita back?! Who was that, Stella?! YOU!! And then lo and flamin’ behold you jump back into bed with creepy Karl and expect everyone to be flamin’ happy about it after setting off a chain of events that left Sunita fried like an abandoned chicken McNugget in the bowels of yer boozer!

“Eee bah gum, Dev, Ah just don’t think ah can carry on!”

GOOD!

“Oh but Stella, you love this pub, it's yer life.”

Is it? You’ve been there just over two flamin’ years or summat! I’ve had haemorrhoids that have lasted as long as you have behind that bar and I don’t weep when they’ve bogged off either!

Anyhow, I’ve been to Weatherfield General and seen our Nick to check the accident hasn’t left him with yet another face and I showed him pictures of me favourite biscuits.

“Not yours”, he shouted, “mine!”

“No Nick, they’re Brenda’s custard creams,” Leanne said.

“Not yours”, he continued, “mine!”

Oh loveys I din’t know what to do so I just ran!

"Not yours! Mine!"

It’s all change at Underworld in’t it? Peter up to his neck in women’s knickers – no change there then – and Michelle left to return to the Rovers (see what I did there, loveys?).  Carla is gutted that Michelle's gone cos now they can’t practice their Shakespeare’s Sister tribute act in the office when everyone’s left!  Look at the Betamax video I've popped onto this into-net bloggy page below if you don't believe me; it's them fighting over poor Liam back in't day!

Ryan’s gone to Ibiza and I will really miss him… I will... he always gave me an extra slice of donner meat if I flashed me gusset at him. He must’ve liked it when I did that cos he used to scream! Not just a little scream but a really big frightened scream; probably scared of his feelings of lust towards me – an older more experienced lass!

One flash of me gusset!

Anyhow, Owen is gutted that a fella won’t pay him and Anna is really annoyed cos she would never do that would she loveys? She would never refuse to pay someone for work that had been done!

O M flamin’ G! Pot kettle flamin’ metal! JOE MCCINTYRE! REMEMBER HIM?! It was the Windass’s that started his journey to the gutter (or Gail’s bed – they’re one in the same) by not paying for the kitchen he fitted, but Anna seems to have forgotten all about her velour tracksuit days dun’t she loveys?

Memories!

I'm going now and continuing me hunt for Doctor Carter who mysteriously vanished after I showed him me fiery nethers. We never actually got to the bottom of it cos every time I tried to show him he passed out and woke up weeping; must be really hard fighting yer feelings for a patient cos of ethics an' that - he wanted me like that Ryan!

Remember loveys, Balaclava Terrace in't just a place, it's a state of mind!

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