“Marry me, Stel.”
“Ee ba gum Karl, I durn’t know if ahm
redd-ah.”
“I need to know, Stella. I need to know
that you love me.”
“Ee bah gum, h’apen ah do love thee Karl
but ahm all over’t plerce.” She is all over’t place -and that’s just her
accent!
Oh loveys, love is in the air! Romance
blooms like them spring flowers that jut up between the cracks in’t pavement
and colour the cobbles urine yellow in’t midday sun!
 |
| Don't touch the weeds, they make you wee! |
There’s Stella and Karl! There’s Eileen
who’s managed to get well fit Paul back from’t evil clutches of Yorkshire!
“NOT YORKSHIRE, EILEEN?!”
Yes Yorkshire! It’s nowt but an hour's drive
away but it might as well be in Timbuktu the way she went on abut it! Cos d'yer know what? No one travels in Weatherfield!
Well that’s not strictly true, folk do travel and then they have these holiday
DVDs that they somehow manage to sell in all good retailers! It’s weird!
I tried to film me holiday to the Red Rec
and Weatherfield Aquatics Centre on me Orange Apple hi-phone but was anyone
interested? No!
How has Eileen managed to keep Paul? He
must feel so bad about the death of Leslie that he’s punishing himself by being
with Eileen to alleviate the flamin’ guilt!
“Thanks for letting me be a fireman,
Eileen.”
She’s very generous in’t she? Aw, thanks
for letting me be a switchboard operator Eileen! THANKS FOR THAT! THANKS FOR
LETTING ME GO TO THE TOILET EILEEN! THANKS FOR
LETTING ME EAT ME OWN CARAMAC EILEEN!
 |
| I'm gonna eat this on't bog just to annoy Eileen! |
So there’s Eileen and Paul… as I’ve
mentioned, and Karl and Stella and there’s Tracy and Rob who must be the only two
people in history to go in’t nick and come out with posher accents! D’yer
reckon they got them electrocution lessons that help you talk like you’ve a
plum in yer gob? Back when Tracy used to listen to her Bros tapes in her room
for months on end and take them hecstacy tabletty things she was all “Eyar, mam
an’ that innit an’ that!”
Ryan and Katy are in love (don’t fall
asleep loveys, they are interesting – honest!) and their story is very moving.
Boy meets girl, girl is with a miserable moaner who ignores his partner's wishes
and gives money to his sister who’s on’t run with a suspected domestic abuser,
girl gets job in local kebab shop, boy teaches girl how to fill her pitta, girl
gets bored of being moaned at by ginger fella, boy… I’m bored just typing this… and
it’s chipping me nail polish!
And last but not least there’s Gary and Tina!
He dun’t half fancy her! I see him looking at her the same way I look at
chocolate finger – all lustful!
Talking of lust, did I tell you I went to
Doctor Carter’s pain clinic last Friday? Oh loveys, it’s not even half as
exciting as it sounds! I thought, oooh belting, an hour with Doctor
Carter, walking the tightrope between pain and pleasure; doing all sorts of weird
tutti frutti stuff wi’ paraphernalia an’ that; Fifty Shades of Grey with me as
Anastasia Steele and him as Christian! I mean, I’m not into owt like that but
I’ll try it the once and see how I feel.
 |
| Ooh Doctor Carter! Me nethers... |
Anyhow, I sprayed meself liberally with me
Yardley Black Lace and went in, “I’m ready Doctor Carter” I said pulling me Juicy velour
tracky bottoms down… I looked up and there’s Sylvia sat with a look of horror
on her face at me flashing me best thong off to every OAP in flamin’
Weatherfield! Fifty Shades of Grey hair it was, loveys! I was mortified! I had
to pretend me nethers were hurting to avoid any more embarrassment and he saw
me behind a screen and said he din’t see owt unusual down there – so at least
that’s summat.
 |
| This is me Yardley - honest! |
I can’t wait for’t Rovers to open again. I
hate the Bistro, the (Ben) prices are outrageous!
Kylie’s had her scan and I can confirm that
it’s definitely human… I know there’s been debate.
I like the way Rob says stuff like
“footfall” and looks at pieces of paper in a knowing way cos he he thinks it
makes him look like a businessman; like he knows what he’s taking about! It
dun’t wash wi’ me! He knows nowt! A business course in Strangeways prison?! The
only course he’s ever done is a course of antibiotics!
Poor Bill Webster and his dicky ticker, he’s
had one too many of Pam’s manky butties!
Anyhow, I'm off for a Dunhill so I'll see you later or summat... bye!
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