Fat Brenda's Cream Horn

(This post was originally posted by Fat Brenda on The State of the Street in May 2011, reposted with permission.)

Sorry I've not been on here for a while loveys but there's nobody at this flamin' cab office nowadays so I've been working every shift going! That Cheryl has gone to work at the bistro so she can bore everyone to death in another location, me beloved Eddie has suddenly discovered a work ethic and disappeared to Germany and Steve is running The Rovers and ruining Streetcars. There's just the three of us now: me, Lloyd and Lloyd's new hair-do!


I'll tell you what confuses me loveys, are we supposed to like that Chris now? I mean, apart from the fact his flamin' clothes seem to fall off every ten minutes, I'm sure he used to be the same fella that hit Cheryl! He told me he understands how Maria feels being the victim of someone who can't control his urges (how?) and then threatens Frank for not being able to control his urges when he should understand Frank more for not being to control his urges rather than Maria who is the victim of urges (like Cheryl). Has he moved in with Maria an' all? He wanders in and out of that flat without a by yer leave... and then his clothes fall off again. Then he's mister sensitive and upset that Dev sniggers at him for looking at a wine tasting poster and then his clothes fall off and before all that he arranges for Janice to be burgled and then his clothes fall off and then he's sensitive again and then he's not... I'm in a right pickle over it all loveys! I was one of them ignoring him cos of what he did to Cheryl but now everyone reckons he's alright. How can he be when he used to hit her all the time whenever his clothes fell off?

Gail must be right peeved that her dad, Ted, hasn't been around for a while cos it seems to have turned her all homophobic! That lass needs therapy to get over the rejection and maybe it'll stop her hanging round her poor son and trying to work with him! Poor Nick, what a choice for bar manager - the most boring lass on the planet or his own mother!

Sean said he had a belting time in London although I did see on the news that the teddy bear he left on a bench was designated as a potential terrorist threat and blown up in a controlled explosion by the army! That poor flamin' bear, guilty of nowt more than turning up in London when Violet was suffering from PMT!

Becky came in the cab office last night wearing what appeared to be Liz McDonald's cast-offs! She was all, "I'm gonna get leathered cos of summat that's happened an' that!" Within ten seconds of the conversation starting I'd fallen asleep face down on me Bella. I've heard it all before loveys, "Wake up Bren" she kept shouting, "Brendaaaaa! I'm gonna get so drunk cos of summat that Steve's done, just watch Bren, proper drunk I'm gonna get. Watch! Bren! Bren! Wake up Bren! BRENDA!!!" I finally mustered up the strength and courage to listen to her, "I'm gonna get well drunk and it's gonna be some fella's lucky night!"

"Lucky? Flamin' lucky?" I said, "There's no fella on the planet who'd consider 'emselves lucky to be saddled with you!"

She didn't answer loveys, she just started drinking from a vodka bottle in front of me. I was so shocked! Vodka? I prefer gin! I can drink twice the amount she can and I can do it without making big song and dance about it! I tried to give her some sleeping tablets an' all, just to finish the job off properly, but she wouldn't take 'em. Typical! Still, them biscuits she made were alright though.

I think in this world of failing public services and public sector job cuts it's heartwarming to see the immigration inspector who interviewed Xin and Graeme working on a bank holiday, completing his assessment out of office hours and managing to post it over the weekend to get delivered on another bank holiday! That is what I call a belting employee!

Ken's grandson's moved in this week. It must be bursting at the seams in that house! It's a good job Ken and Deirdre have an en-suite cos I've heard Tracy spends hours in that bathroom practicing her evil glares and sinister smirks in the mirror. Amy likes it in there an' all cos it's the only place not contaminated by Deirdre's ciggie smoke and her mother's evil vibes!

He seems like a nice enough fella though, does James. I said hello to him this morning. "I'm James and I'm gay" he said, "That's right! You heard me, gay! Yer just gonna have to deal with it!"

"Lovey," I told him "what you get up to in the privacy of yer own leather underpants is nowt to do with me... why don't I introduce you to Gail, she flamin' loves the gays!"

Right, I'm off. Tweeter here, complain below and for the love of Cliff be flamin' nice to each other cos it's a short life we've been given on this planet... unless yer trapped with Cheryl or Eileen, ten minutes with them feels like a flamin' eternity!